The Doctor goes on holiday, gets aged 500 years, and discovers that package resorts are still stressful even in the 23rd century.
Short Synopsis
The Doctor, Romana, and K-9 head to Argolis, home of the Leisure Hive, a once-luxurious holiday resort now bankrupt, crumbling, and staffed entirely by giant green porcupines in yellow robes. Inevitably, things go downhill from there.
Extended Storyline
After the longest opening shot in Doctor Who history (two minutes of Tom Baker on a deck chair, snoring like the world’s grumpiest beach bum), Romana suggests they head off somewhere more glamorous. So, off they go to Argolis — a planet that’s basically Butlin’s in space, only with less charm.
The Argolins, spiky green humanoids with rubbery porcupine wigs, have turned their irradiated world into a leisure complex after losing a devastating war against the reptilian Foamasi. Think of them as a cross between porcupines and grumpy accountants. Their main attraction? A tachyon recreation generator, which can conjure up illusions of anything you like — unless you’re a Doctor Who guest star, in which case it inevitably malfunctions.
Naturally, the Doctor and Romana arrive just in time to witness a science demo that goes catastrophically wrong, scattering limbs in every direction. (Don’t worry, they all get put back… mostly.) Meanwhile, K-9 tries to frolic in the sea during the opening and promptly explodes from salt water corrosion. So much for the dog’s holiday.
The Argolins are dealing with more than dodgy machinery. Their society is literally dying out thanks to radiation-induced infertility, and their chief scientist, Mena, is trying to keep the Hive open despite bankruptcy, aging, and politics. Enter Pangol, her fiery young assistant, who has all the subtlety of a radical youth politician with a porcupine perm.
Pangol dreams of rebuilding the Argolin race into a mighty army. Using the tachyon generator, he whips up clones of himself in a process that’s basically “copy-paste until dictator mode achieved.” For a while, it looks like the Leisure Hive is about to become the Clone Wars: Porcupine Edition.
The Doctor, meanwhile, suffers one of his more humiliating cliffhangers: strapped into the generator, it artificially ages him by 500 years, giving us the infamous “Wrinkly Old Tom” reveal. Cue Romana screaming, “Doctor!” in a tone that suggests she’s more horrified by the wig than the centuries.
Of course, the Doctor pulls himself together (literally), exposing that Pangol’s clone army is basically smoke and mirrors, and by the time the dust settles, the Hive is safe-ish. Pangol gets sucked into the generator and de-aged into a baby, which is one way to deal with revolutionaries. The Argolins decide to rebuild peacefully with the Foamasi, who are revealed to be peace-loving lizards after all. Who knew?
The Doctor and Romana leave, possibly vowing never to book another holiday through Gallifreyan Expedia again.